Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Ease-in to Motherhood

Thanks for inviting me to be part of the conversation on sewing and motherhood, Erin!

Before SHB, I used to get slightly annoyed whenever one of the sewing bloggers on my feed reader would announce her pregnancy, because I knew that she would either 1) post much less frequently, or even disappear entirely, and/or 2) start sewing irrelevant-to-me items, either baby things or maternity/nursing garments. Oh pre-motherhood Cation, what a selfish, clueless sewing blogger you were! The minute you had SHB, you basically became all those things, even going so far as co-hosting a sewalong centered around sewing for small human beings! I can't remember the last time I sewed a non-costume garment for myself (although to be perfectly honest, I was such a prolific sewer before pregnancy that I really didn't need to keep sewing to keep myself clothed), and the last thirty things I've sewn have all been plushies for SHB. So yeah. But let's talk in more detail about how motherhood has changed my sewing.

As I'm sure is the case for many of you, sewing is a vital creative activity that keeps my brain active and my heart happy. In my early sewing years, I relished finding ways to use the crazy fabrics I was finding at thrift stores in the form of bedsheets, and making fit-and-flare dresses out of them became part of my identity: I was a quirky green Ms. Frizzle wannabe who wore her fandoms on her sleeve (literally), I knew what looked good on my body and had the time and means to dress it how I wanted. After the fashion-related insecurity and teasing of my pre-teen years, it was such a relief and release to be me and, as I got older, the more I realized I only needed and cared to please myself. Sewing was the vehicle to self-love for me, not only with my body but with my mind and talents.

And then I found out I was having SHB. Suddenly I wasn't a selfish seamstress anymore, and while I did still sew for myself, I had so much fun making cute things for my coming baby, too! Having a baby meant rediscovering my love for sewing non-garment items, as well as discovering new forms of sewing expression, such as quilting. I was excited and felt like new worlds were being opened to me.

Then I actually had SHB, and it was miserable. He was bad at sleeping (I wore him in the Ergo and bounced on a trampoline to get him to nap for the first six months of his life), I was tired beyond belief (hello, 9 PM bedtime in anticipation of waking up five times every night!), and when I had a moment to myself (rare, as we didn't have any regular babysitters and I nursed SHB until he was two), I was so brain-dead I couldn't make my mind work enough to go through the mental exercise of sewing. I started just sleeping or wasting time on Pinterest when I had free time, but was still confused about my ongoing grumpiness until I realized that I wasn't creating, and I missed and needed it. Talking to other creative moms (mostly sewing bloggers I met through here!) helped me realize that what I needed more than sleep was to Make Things Again. I don't remember who said it, but basically what I needed to do was at least one irreversible thing every day. So many of my life tasks were reversible (baby needs to eat again! dishes need to be washed again! toys need to be picked up again! papers need to be graded again!) that I felt like I was in the Red Queen's race, running and running just to stay in the same place (or actually fall behind, TBH).

Once I realized things needed to change, I made a plan to Get My Life Back. For me, this meant sleep-training SHB. I realize that that's a controversial decision in a lot of parenting circles (and I had my fair share of nights crying while he cried because I was afraid that I was damaging him forever by not going to him), but it was the best thing I could have done for us. It took several months (like I said, terrible sleeper), but once SHB was out of our bed and out of our room, I finally had the space (physically and mentally) to create again. Even if all I was making was simple items for him, it was enough to see concrete evidence that I had Done Something With My Day. Around the same time, I was hosting the SHB Sewalong with Mikhaela and Clio and just having other sewing moms to commiserate with helped me see the importance of community. As my social psych prof used to say in college, misery loves miserable company, and while we weren't necessarily miserable, I felt so much better knowing that I wasn't the only one trying to figure out how to manage a needy, demanding being while still being one's own person with hobbies and a changing body that needed to be clothed.

SHB finally started sleeping through the night at around a year, and since his 7:30-8 PM bedtime is fairly early, I get the whole rest of the evening to be an adult. Sometimes that's sewing, sometimes that's just catching up on adulting tasks, but it's glorious to know that my nights are my own again (especially since I'm a night owl...midnight bedtime means I get a few hours to myself). I'd say that around the 18 month mark was when I felt like I really had a handle on this whole motherhood-while-not-just-only-being-a-mother-I'm-my-own-person-too business, and it's only gotten better as SHB becomes more independent and verbal. Now, at almost three, SHB has enough of an attention span and his own interests that I can even sew during the day sometimes; of course, that's only if the items are for him...




While I've mostly reclaimed my creative time, I'm still working on how to reclaim my style. All those fun sheet dresses I made (mostly) still fit before I got pregnant again, but they're really not practical as a parent of a toddler. I'm satisfied with living out my geekiness in cosplay instead of everyday life; I don't think quirky clothing is as central to my identity as creating is. I believe strongly enough in slow fashion to not sew when I don't technically need to, so I think this is one of the areas where I'm content to wait and see. I'll wait until I'm done nursing for good to see where my body settles, and then decide what kind of style suits me then.


***

Now that those I'm-so-tired-I-hate-my-life-why-did-I-decide-to-have-a-kid moments are a (somewhat) distant memory, I sometimes wonder why I'm subjecting myself to the horror of having another small human being; I think knowing that the newborn months are short will help me make it through to the toddler years, which I find much more enjoyable. I have more mom friends now, both online and IRL, which will hopefully make a difference when I'm in the worst of the sleep deprivation and demands of two small human beings. I'm hoping that since I'm more experienced now, both as a mom and as a person, I'll recognize sooner the importance of having my own time to create, and make an effort to make room for it. My self-care mantra in this past year has consisted of trying to remind myself of the truth of the airplane oxygen mask -- take care of yourself first so that you can take care of your child -- instead of succumbing to the lie that I'm being selfish by not giving of myself constantly. We'll see how it goes in a few weeks when SHB#2 arrives!


THIS.

34 comments:

  1. I had the same thoughts too about bloggers announcing their pregnancy....until I became pregnant. Now I understand why sewing for kids becomes center stage, because they require so much attention! My LO is only one month old and while anticipated being sleep-deprived I did not anticipate the constant attention they require (nursing, changing, soothing to sleep...repeat!). While I haven't touched my sewing machine yet I did get back into cooking and started weekly meal planning. Having some control of a part of my day has been somewhat empowering. I'm looking forward to squeezing in some sewing time.

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    1. It's so hard in that early needy newborn stage! Good for you for finding a way to re-exert some control. I hope you find some time to sew soon, and in the meantime, hang in there!

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  2. Thank you for your honesty. Motherhood must be hard enough without the "motherhood is the most precious gift labour was painfree my baby and I bonded straight away she slept 12 hours every night and I had enough time to remodel my house cook gourmet meals and start a new business on maternity leave #blessed" stories that seem to dominate the cultural narrative, and I dare say it's helpful to other new mums to hear that it can actually be super difficult to raise a SHB. I hope your next time round is a bit less stressful now that you have strategies and a support network in place.

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    1. Oh gosh, those narratives are ridiculous, aren't they? I am not a newborn person at all (I don't think I enjoyed SHB really until he was at least six months old), so I felt like some kind of faulty specimen of motherhood/femininity because I hated that stage when everyone around me was saying I should enjoy the newborn snuggles.

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  3. Once the baby is sleeping and you have time to sew, life feels so much more manageable. I'm glad you have found your sewing bliss again.

    Thank you so much for posting.

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    1. Seriously, sleep deprivation really is torture. We'll see if I can maintain some sewing this time around so that life doesn't feel as out of whack!

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  4. I'm enjoying this series because I'm OMG-fascinated by the changes that otherhood brings. Society pushed really hard that motherhood should be a goal, so while I feel pretty darn positive at 35 that I don't want kids, I feel like I constantly have to question and justify it to myself! I like hearing stories of how clever, hardworking creative people balance parenting and creativity - it sure doesn't sound easy, but I'm glad you are all making the benefits and challenges part of the discussion!

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    1. I think it's so great that you know that about yourself! I wasn't sure if I was going to want kids (I think when you're a teacher you feel like you have enough already :P), and I'm still not really a fan of kids in general, but I like mine just fine so it works. I just wish more people around me had been straightforward with me about how drastically life changes afterward, especially creative introverts. I felt like a lot of what I was hearing about difficulties was from people who didn't feel as driven to create, so it was hard to imagine what my life was going to look like.

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  5. With baby #2 you'll get back to being you so much faster, mostly because you know so much more after the first baby. It definitely helps to have a network of like-minded people to commiserate with, something I didn't really have when mine were babies. Getting those evenings back were always a huge milestone. Hopefully it won't take quite as long this next time around!

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    1. Also with baby #2, you're already waaay down on how much sewing you're doing in comparison to before, so there's less shell shock the second time around. LOL

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    2. Lisa, I love seeing the little glimpses on social media of how you mother and sew for your four kids, and I'm always so impressed! #goals

      Lol at the already-sewing-less, AJ!

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  6. I love this series and I want to read everyone's entries! I wish I could remember more from when Larva was first born but it's all so fuzzy. I definitely remember being less resentful with #2. ^^; (And ugh, how awful is it to have to admit that?) I'll have to try to remember more about how I coped with #1.

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    1. I feel like I've already forgotten most of what it was like when SHB was small, so I guess I should stop being annoyed with my mom for saying she's forgotten whenever I ask her advice for xyz.

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  7. I'm still struggling with getting creative time back. There's just too much darn stuff to clean. Or clean stuff to put away. And then it feels like my brain just doesn't work...

    Still, I don't miss the newborn days, many of which seemed to involve sitting on the sofa with a nursing or sleeping baby, who would cry when I decided that I really did need some breakfast as it was nearly lunchtime. Newborns are lovely, but it was an intense time in so many ways, and not all of them good.

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    1. Yeah, I definitely wasn't prepared for the intensity of caring for a newborn, coupled with mind-numbing boredom. I feel you on all the stuff to clean and then put away! Here's to hoping you get your creative time back soon.

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  8. I love that idea of doing at least one irreversible thing every day. I don't even have a kid, but still feel like I'm running that endless race at the moment!

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    1. I think it's excellent life advice in general!

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  9. One of the most helpful things I read when pregnant with Hobbit was your comment about creating things being the one thing that was just done. It really does seem sometimes like nothing else is ever finished -- even my job for me, since music needs to be practiced repetitively. Hobbit's sleep was a huge struggle too, but I have found so far that it's sometimes easier to find sewing time now, mostly because I can put Padawan in the carrier while Hobbit naps and he's cool with that. Usually. I'm still in the baby mom crashing between 9 and 10 stage, but sleep has actually already been better, as this boy already regularly sleeps straight until 3:30 or later most nights. So hopefully your little girl will do the same! Honestly, I think the big struggle this time for me is that I'm just tired of not having clothes that fit and make me feel good about my style, since I didn't quite fit back into my old clothes before getting pregnant again. So I've been having to do a lot of reevaluating of what works with my body and my lifestyle now. And then just try to find the time to make it.

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    1. I really admire how you've still been sewing and making the effort to clothe yourself in me-mades, even with two under two! I really hope #2 sleeps better, but based on how wiggly she is in utero, I'm not holding out much hope.

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  10. So many thoughts! First, you and Mikhaela were my lifeline, too. Thank god for online/sewing friends, and having a creative outlet what is mine. I also joined a support group for new moms and it made a world of difference.

    The airplane analogy is so true. I finally have convinced Phin of this. He does a lot of solo parenting when I am at work and I often come home to find him miserable from not taking care of his own needs, like eating and drinking.

    It's a toxic parenting culture that tells women that they have to be all-in, all-giving, all the time. It is a recipe for misery when what really makes happy kids is happy parents.

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    1. It really does take a village, and a like-minded village is even better! I know people who rant about how IG only creates jealousy or what have you, but I really cherish the relationships I've grown through it.

      Yeah, that hangry crash when you're solo parenting is not fun. My sympathies for you and Phin both!

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  11. I unusually unsubscribe from blogs when they start sewing mostly for their kids (sorry, just being honest), but I still greatly enjoy your blog because your unique personality really shows in everything you make. Keep creating!

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    1. No need to apologize! I totally understand and I've unsubscribed from blogs that seem to only sew frilly party dresses because that's not my life right now. I do feel incredibly honored to still be on your blog roll though :)

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  12. You don't have to be a "good" mother, you just have to be good enough. -- my therapist.

    I have lots of thoughts about motherhood that are highly political and feminist and whatnot. This isn't the place for those, but I will say this as a mother of a child with a mild disability: parenting is not a contest or an achievement. Parents must do the best they can do in the moment, and then vow to do the best they can do in the next moment. And if that first moment didn't go very well, try something different in moment number two.

    As for people who have a problem with sleep training, or formula feeding, or putting a kid in daycare, I have words to go with my thoughts. But in social situations where using my home words is not acceptable, the best response I have found is to say, "I'm glad that works for you; this works for us." And then I give them my teacher smile. (You know the one. The Keep-Going-Chester-and-I'll-Kick Your-Butt-So Hard-You'll-Land-in-the-Principal's-Office-at-the-High-School-Two-Counties-Over smile.)

    Keep up the good work.

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    1. Thanks for the affirmation on being good enough! I get tired of all the overachiever parents whose kids are potty-trained and know the encyclopedia by heart by the time they're one ;)

      And yes, that teacher smile...I use that all the time on well-meaning old ladies at the grocery store who are just full of advice.

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  13. Good for you for hanging in there and getting through it. When I had my babies I told myself "they get a year." (Facilitated by the year-long maternity leaves we have here, not that I got one as I was a student at the time.) I still remember my first sewing project after Tyo was born. Looking after yourself is so important.

    With number two, I was amazed at how much more work it was, but simultaneously astonished by how much better I handled it. Mine are three years apart too, and I like the spread---but going back to not sleeping was a shock. Tyo had been in the habit of getting up to go to the bathroom about half the time since she potty-trained, and she stopped this and started reliably sleeping through almost one month before Syo was born. One month of glorious sleep! 😂

    I have to say, I pretty much love this teenager stage though. I mean they're moody and sometimes irrational, but they are so wonderfully independent, and can do helpful household things like dishes and laundry and trips to the grocery store. And watching them develop their own brands of nerdery is the best. 😍 Good luck and have fun!

    (Also, they sleep!!!! Forever!!!)

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    1. Sometimes I forget that pretty much every country has better maternity leave than the US. A year sounds ridiculous!! I went back to work when SHB was three months old and that's already twice as long as most people get.

      SHB#2 has been getting me used to the idea of not sleeping by giving me the worst pregnancy insomnia...most nights I'm happy to get five hours, so I guess I'm ready?

      I love toddlerhood much more than the infant stage, but considering that I'm a high school teacher, I'm hoping the teen years will be even better! SHB is definitely already developing his own brand of nerdery at almost three, though!

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  15. (edited for brain)
    THAT. You put your oxygen mask on first. Yes THAT.

    I pride myself on not telling the birth stories like it was Dunkirk. Think of this as the public service message.

    First baby was boring birth story. I wrote a birth plan, and It Came True.

    Second baby I had a cesarean followed by a week in the hospital with eclampsia.

    What is the disclaimer on mutual funds: past performance is no guarantee of future results (had to go look that one up). You won't have the same delivery twice, much less the same baby (SHB2.0) .

    Frankly, I have loved all the stages of your sewing story. I forgot about the VPLL 1912 project, and your pants fitting class is the post I direct pants people to. SHB has been a delight and a wonderful reminder some days that I really DO love the 20 and 17 yr old boy/men I mother, even when they are absolutely out of their irrational minds. It's like seeing our greatest hits, and I have surely needed that recently.

    I wish you the most boring birth story ever. May reflux and ear infections never darken your door. May they never bite anyone. And if they do, don't take it personally. They surely don't.

    HUGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSS

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    1. I would actually love it if SHB#2 had the same birth story as SHB#1, as it was relatively fast and complication-free. But based on how the pregnancies compare, SHB#2 will definitely be her own little person!

      I'm glad that you've been able to relive some of your boys' childhoods by watching SHB's growth; your sage advice and perspective has definitely helped me so much during these long days!

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  16. I feel like I have the same kind of small human being... I'm at month 5 of living with a baby carrier (+ baby, of course) strapped to myself. Yay. I'm still hoping that I won't have to sleep train her, that somehow she'll magically sleep in her bed, in her room... apparently sometimes baby #2 is reaaally easy, I'll be crossing my fingers for you! On the sewing part, starting in September, I'm giving myself 1 year of working part time (with a baby in day care full time) so I can have one day to myself every week. It could seem selfish, but it kinda is the only thing keeping me going at the moment: in two months, I'll have time to create again (and who knows, maybe time to blog to?!)

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    1. I think a day to yourself sounds WONDERFUL and not selfish at all! That breathing room is what gives you the energy to be a better mother all the other days. Best of luck with the sleeping; I remember how awful that was and you have all my sympathy.

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  17. Your SHB's first year sounds pretty much exactly like my first baby's. It was a rude introduction to motherhood, like being thrown in the deep end to sink or swim. I made it through the torturous sleep deprivation and tumultuous hormones (somehow!), and since then it's only gotten easier. Babies #2 and #3 were infinitely easier transitions for me. I know that isn't always how it goes, but I think there may be something to the "practice makes perfect" adage. ��

    Wishing you an easy birth and a peaceful transition to parenting two SHBs. Sounds like you have a great plan for making sure your needs are met along with everyone else's!

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    1. I'm holding onto the statement that #2 is easier than #1 that all the more experienced parents seem to reinforce! Thank you for your kind wishes!

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